(Firstly, thank you again to those of you who have been patient with me over the last two weeks while I’ve squirreled away on my deadline. It really does mean everything. This week’s Sunday Cervix is obviously arriving a little late in the day, but I’ve just got off a flight from New York and I’m so heinously jet lagged I barely know my own name. But I told myself, come hell or high water, I’m arriving in your inbox. Thank you for waiting for me, I’ve missed you.)
I have been obsessed with the Trad Wife movement for quite some time now. For those of you who have escaped this particular online rabbit hole, it stands for ‘Traditional Wife,’ and is a movement of women who have decided to forego financial independence, rely solely on their husbands for money and decision-making, while staying at home to raise their children and bake bread. They also do a lot of arts and crafts, and they post videos about it all.
I watched one trad wife make paper, and crayons, from scratch, for her children to draw pictures. Can you take a moment to comprehend how long it takes to make paper? There is a lot of soaking and water and pulp and drying. It is days in the making.
It was one of the single most absurd things I’ve seen online, and yet I couldn’t look away. I was mesmerized. Hooked to my phone hoping to find a clue, the answer, the reason, this woman would spend so much of her time making paper and wax crayons, from scratch, when she could have thrown the back of an envelope and a pencil at those kids and it would have had the same effect.
I constantly send these videos to my friend, an endless conversation flowing between us at our amazement that these women exist, mocking the choices they have made, and questioning our own choices in the process.
We laugh and point and judge, but ever so quietly we ask the question; should we have just married rich? Become housewives. Done it for the money. Secured a comfortable life.
I joke with my friend that all I want is to drive to the store in my Porsche and worry about what to cook for dinner. It is a joke, but like all jokes we relentlessly return to, there is a kernel of truth to it. A nascent ‘what if?’ A sordid curiosity.
We are both tired women. Ambition burns so brightly in us that I’m scared it will eat us from within. That we’ll become a feminist Midas cautionary tale. We were raised in the girl power, girl boss era and as a result of being told we can have it all, we’re exhausted, drained, burnt-out, and so unhinged by the process of trying to have it all, that we’re watching trad wives online and thinking; yes, maybe that would be nice.
You don’t have to go very far to be fed multiple videos of women ‘joking’ about wanting to marry rich or be a trad wife because they’re spent, weary, and tired of working so hard to have it all. The internet is littered with them. You might even be reading this right now, Monday looming around the corner, the career ladder swaying above your head, and be thinking, ‘Yes, I too have had these thoughts and yes, I would like a handsome, devastatingly rich, but heartbreakingly kind man to marry me so I never have to work again in my life, but rather devote my time to my hobbies, like table arranging or kickboxing.’ Let’s be searingly honest with one another, it’s an attractive prospect. A good daydream.
However, it is just that, a fairy tale daydream, because we both know it doesn’t work like that. If you ever do entertain these thoughts, it’s patriarchy conditioning you to do so. Making you believe it’s an attractive prospect when in fact the lack of financial freedom for women, the reliance on men for money, has in fact proved to be disastrous. All of history has taught us this. History has also taught us that men are not always heartbreakingly kind. Generally, they will use money as a form of control. Not to mention, the idea that staying at home to be a housewife and raise children is not gruelingly hard work is society's conditioning to get you to do it in the first place. If you’re tired from your career, trust me, once you start popping out babies a-la trad wife style, you’ll be so tired you won’t be able to remember your own name, never mind the career ambitions you used to hold.
However, what I’m saying is I understand the desire. The wild, unhinged urge. The theatrical ‘what if.’
But let me suggest what’s really happening here. You don’t want to become a trad wife or marry a rich man, but rather you’re discontented. You’re frustrated. Annoyed with where you are in life. I have no actual desire to marry a rich man and let him make all the decisions because men cannot be trusted with all the decisions. I’m just frustrated. I’m ready to move on with my life but it’s not happening yet. The goals I have, the dreams I’ve nurtured, they’re not happening fast enough. And so I find myself tired, exhausted, not moving in the direction I want, staring at trad wives and thinking, ‘maybe…’
You and I, my love, are better than mere homemakers. And if we really do want to drive our Porsche to the store, we’ll buy our own, with the money we earn, without having to ask any man for it.
You don’t want an easy life of motherhood, because it’s not easy and you’re just tired. Take a rest, take a nap, take a holiday. Re-evaluate the goals. Work on the stepping stones. Figure out what you need to get you there. Gather the women around you who will help get you there. Figure out a new plan if the old one isn’t working. And go again.
I promise you, you don’t want to marry a rich man, because ultimately, it is never, ever, an easier life. We only beholden ourselves to ourselves, and our own wild, beautiful ambitions.
The best is yet to come. It always is. The best is yet to come. Say it with me, the best is yet to come.
It’s hard enough getting recognition for your contribution to a household if you’re an all singing and dancing woman who has it all from the career, the kid and the latest steam mop. I hold a PhD but do you think I get called doctor in the family circles or do you think (coming from an Asian background) I’m urged to feel awe and admiration for my medic husband? Spoiler alert - it’s the latter. I can’t imagine being a trad wife and feeling even more pressured to feel indebted to a man/partner to provide all of life’s necessities and luxuries for me. To be overlooked in social circles and fight for my trad wifedom to be honoured and respected. That sounds hard. As much as it pains me to fight to be seen, I would rather that fight than give over the things I’ve worked hard for an alternative life that robs me of it all, including my voice. Great piece of writing Salma, it was worth the wait 🙏🏽
This is so great and thoughtful. I just hope there is a middle ground, as I like the idea of playing part of a team with a partner. I don't think 'having it all' is healthy for anyone, regardless of gender x