You asked about… dating

Answers to your questions

Hello, good morning, how do you do?

The Q&A is almost done, but I still have a few of your questions left, and as is my rule, no woman gets left behind. So, let’s begin, shall we?

I think for today, you should eat a big slice of cake while you read this. It’s the right thing to do.

(If you’re new here, the Q&A is a series we’re doing where I answer all your questions, which is why you’re getting slightly more emails from me this week. Normal Sunday posting will resume next week)

*All names have been changed to keep it delightfully anonymous

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Hi Salma,

I absolutely adore your Sunday Cervix and I’m sure you have addressed this already but what does a single girl do when she wants a relationship?

I’ve tried online dating but most men see that as unpaid sex work and speak to you like an object, then the ones you do want to go on a date with cancel at the last minute.

When I meet men in the pubs and IRL they act a bit better but still the same.

Am I delusional for wanting a man to actually SEE ME as a real human being and not a sex object who will benefit them.

And if I don’t date, what’s the alternative? I want intimacy, someone who will help me carry my Tesco bags or take the bins out, a companion through life.

Salma please give me some wise words !

Love you!

Stay blessed

Briseis

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Dearest Briseis,

Of course, you’re not delusional for wanting a man to see you as your full, human self. It’s truly indicative of the depths men have sunk to that you even ask that question at all. Nor are you mad for wanting companionship and love. They’re fundamental human drivers. There is a desolate feeling to single life sometimes, especially when you’re carrying the Tesco bags home alone, and the wind is whipping through you, and all you want is to fold into someone’s arms the minute you walk through the door. You want to be met by someone who unwraps your scarf, kisses your cold nose, and tells you to rest as they put the shopping away. I really do understand that feeling.

Before I launch into a string of advice about how to find this mystery man, I am obligated to remind you that while you can want a relationship, and while the longing may be echoing through your bones, you must also do your best to control it. It is so easy to let that longing overtake you and colour every part of your life, but you must work hard not to let it. Yes, you can want a relationship; there’s nothing wrong with that. But no, you cannot let it dominate every aspect of your life and sap the joy out of the wonderful parts of your life you already have. This is very, very important.

You must continue to dedicate as much time and energy to yourself as you do to finding this relationship. One cannot compromise the other. You must still cultivate your brain, your hobbies, and your social life. You must still work on creating wonderful experiences with your friends. You must continue to nurture your social group and build beautiful, meaningful relationships. You must create traditions and annual trips with your circle. Don’t ever let that slip, because it will, in fact, make the desolation of single life worse.

Now, as for finding this man, I have a few bits of advice. I would first try in-person events instead of apps. For example, journalist and writer Olivia Petter has just started a singles night called Red Lips Dating. It’s a ticketed event, and each woman has to bring a single man with her. That way, the numbers are even, and the men have been vetted by a female friend. It’s a really cool idea, and I kind of love it. If you’re in London, check it out. If you’re not in London, I would try to find nights like these, or even things like speed dating. I know it sounds unromantic, but I do think it’s a better use of time than scrolling endlessly through apps. There is something about them that breeds bad behaviour. Whereas if you met a man at a speed dating event, or a singles night, he is there with purpose and intention. Not just aimlessly scrolling with a wife in the next room as he looks for an ego boost. I’m not saying you should delete the apps, sure, still use them if you want, but I’m just saying don’t put all your eggs in digital baskets.

If you are going to use apps, you have to approach it like the CEO of a sales company looking for returns. You need to be super clear on your profile. Instead of coy answers like ‘I’m just looking for someone to connect with,’ say, ‘I’m looking for someone serious about finding a committed relationship.’ Again, not the most romantic way and certainly not what the rom-coms taught us, but set out your stall. If you want kids, say it. If you want marriage, declare it. If you want to find someone quickly, explain that. Believe it or not, there are men out there also yearning for companionship, and it does no one any good by not being honest about your wishes.

The other thing to remember about the apps is that it is a numbers game. Like all businesses, if you want 5 sales, you’re going to have to reach 50 people, to get 30 interested, to get 20 to click through to your product, to get 10 to consider it, to get 5 to actually buy it. That means that you’re going to have to approach it with the methodology of working through the numbers, which is tiring and dull and time-consuming, but I believe necessary. Another app you might consider is Wingman. It’s a dating app that’s slightly different. Your friends scroll for you, and find people they think would be good. They do the initial vetting and testing before introducing you. If you’ve got friends you trust, get them involved. Relationships, after all, take a village. You might as well have your village start now.

Now, if the thought of dating apps is sending you over the edge, understandable, have you considered an actual matchmaker? This is a more expensive option as you’re paying for a service. I had a friend once pay for a matchmaker, and they are thorough and diligent. The act of paying for this service also means people are invested and serious in a way they aren’t on the apps.

If money is tight and you can’t afford that, use your network and community. Ask friends and family members you trust. Tell them you’re looking for a serious relationship and ask if they know anyone they could set you up with. Be vocal and loud about your desires and hopes. Let the world know what you want; you just never know what might come back at you.

As for in-person meetings, I know how disappointing men can be. How promising things can start, but how quickly they can peter out. But don’t let that detract from your open-heartedness. Go out to as many events as you can. Accept invitations. Meet new people in a variety of places and contexts. Start new hobbies. Be in different social circles from the ones you normally operate in. You are more likely to meet someone this way than sitting in your house, scrolling, dead-eyed through apps.

My other tip is to keep a healthy sex/intimate life going with friends with benefits. You might not be into casual sex in this way, in which case disregard this tip immediately. I know it is not for everyone. But if you are, do regularly enjoy the pleasures of another body. Even if that body isn’t one you want to spend your life with. I find that it tempers the sting of loneliness, but also, I don’t think any of us should be deprived of pleasure and orgasms just because we haven’t found the person we want to share our lives with.

If you don’t like the idea of that, then make sure you’re spending enough time pleasuring yourself. It seems like a strange tip to give you, but you wouldn’t believe the number of women who don’t prioritise their own pleasure. Spend these months alone finding out what you like. Buy yourself some new sex toys as a treat. Experiment on yourself. Try new things. See how many different ways you can make your body orgasm and what they’re all like. Do not forsake your own body. Love it. Date it. Thrill it. Imagine how amazing the sex will be with the person you do find in the end, once you know yourself so well.

For the record, I think you will find someone. It just might take a little time. Despite my continuous rantings, there are some men out there who have done the work on themselves and are also aching to be in loving, committed relationships. I had a friend just like that. He thought it would never happen, and I have watched him over a decade date endlessly, the longing pouring out of him. Three weeks ago, I went to his wedding. All of that to say, those men, your counterpart, are also looking.

I do not doubt you’ve tried some of these things. I also do not doubt that you are frustrated and lonely. I really do feel those pangs of pain. But remember, never lower your standards. Never give in. And should you end up on your own, which is highly unlikely, should you not find a partner, that is not the sum total of your life. It will not make you less brilliant. But fear not, there is a whole wide world out there, waiting for you. Stay open-hearted and bright-eyed. Stay hopeful and joyful. The most wonderful love is on its way to you. And who knows what form it will take. The best is yet to come.