Men don’t read books about being a man

Why it's a problem, and why us thinking about men is really the problem.

Photo by Patrick Tomasso on Unsplash

To my very great disappointment, I spend a lot of time thinking about men. When death comes to get me, I know I will be livid that so much of my brain space was taken up by creatures I mostly find quite pathetic.

Some of it is social conditioning. We’re raised to obsess over boys, wonder who fancies us, fight over men as we get older, and train our instincts towards catching one with our big butterfly nets. Some of it is survival. We have to think about which men are safe, who’s going to try and stop us on our way home, which ones have ulterior motives, and if we’re even safe with the one we’re married to. Some of it is our own yawning desire. Our need for companionship and intimacy, our craving to build a life with someone, and our want for love. Some of it is logistical. Has he spoken to the plumber, is he picking the kids up, did he buy the right things from the supermarket, has he walked the dog, who can solo parent so one of you can go away. Some of it is work. Is your boss happy, whose ego do you need to tiptoe around just to get your job done, which men in the company are allies, who is actually going to help, and which man do you need to impress to sign off on that promotion you so desperately need.

All of it is exhausting. I hate it. I resent it. It fills me with rage. Yet I still do it because I have to. As a heterosexual woman who goes out and interacts with the world, I have to navigate men and therefore I have to think about them. As a woman engaged in the work of feminism and gender parity, I think about them even more. I wonder what’s wrong with them. Why they do the things they do. What they need to stop doing the terrible things they do. What might change them.

Which leads us to the moment I was sitting on a train this week, reading Nora Ephron’s book, I Feel Bad About My Neck; And Other Thoughts On Being A Woman. For a fleeting second, I wondered what people might think of a woman sitting on a train reading a book about being a woman. Then I wondered what I would do if I saw a man reading a book about being a man, and that’s when it hit me. I’ve never seen it. It doesn’t happen. Men don’t seem to put that level of introspection and thought into the concept of masculinity. It seems to exist, a thing outside of themselves.

I, however, think about womanhood constantly. How it’s created and made. What defines women. I read books about it to learn from other women and make sense of the woman I am. I hope to become a better woman with each passing day.

This immense level of work we do on ourselves, on the concept of being a woman, is catastrophically one-sided. I imagine that’s part of the problem. If men were sitting on trains reading books about masculinity, we might have fewer problems. Maybe they wouldn’t take up so much of our headspace. Perhaps the world would be a better place.

I’m being flippant. Of course, the world would be a better place.

But in the meantime, I know I can’t use up this much of my brain thinking about them, and neither can you. It’s not sustainable. It will drive us crazy. We’re about to step into a brand new week, and I challenge you to give less of your precious energy and headspace to men. Never mind whose ego you will hurt, say your piece. Who cares if your partner sulks for the rest of the week, tell him what’s on your mind. Stop worrying about handling everything and let him figure it out. Even if that means the balls drop and one of the kids doesn’t get to go to karate that week. Stop thinking about when the guy you like is going to message you back. Use that energy on something better. If you find yourself disproportionately putting in too much thought to a man, cut him off. Life is too short.

This week, use all your headspace on you. Channel that thought back into yourself. Become your own energy source. It’s not easy to do, and maybe it’s not attainable full time, but just for this week, forget about everything but yourself. Ruthlessly think about you and what you want. Don’t think about him. Don’t worry about him. He’ll be fine, men always are. The real question is, are you? Will you be okay?

The best is yet to come. And you will make it so. The best is yet to come. Say it with me, the best is yet to come.